Two of your direct reports aren’t getting along, and one of them has come to you confidentially to complain about the other’s behavior. Should you get involved? Tell the person to work it out on their own? Close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears, and hope the whole thing goes away?
Important Note: This article doesn’t cover complaints of harassment, physical assault, bullying, discrimination, and other egregious and potentially illegal behavior. In those situations, see HR.
What could be going on?
- Your direct report wants to talk through the conflict as a way to understand it or cope and doesn’t necessarily expect you to handle the issue.
- Your direct report expects you to step in and resolve the complaint because you’re the manager.
- Your direct report already tried and failed to resolve the issue and is escalating it to you, and/or the complaint is one only a manager and/or HR can resolve.
- Your direct report’s behavior contributed to the conflict (and needs to change).
- Your direct report is exaggerating or misinterpreting the issue.
- As your team’s leader, you unintentionally contributed to the conflict and need to change your behavior.
How to handle it:
1. Thank the person for coming to you and communicate that you’re open to hearing about the issue.
You might be thinking, Ugh, this is the last thing I need right now or Why can’t they just work this out on their own? But there’s a big upside here: Your direct report trusts you. The fact that he or she is proactively coming to you about a conflict — something that many people hide from their managers — is a sign that you’ve done a good job opening the lines of communication.
If you want those lines to stay open, it’s important to reinforce the person’s willingness to share bad news. You can be thankful and show you’re receptive to hearing more, without committing to taking action:
“Thanks for coming to me about this and being honest. Would you mind if I ask some questions to get a better understanding of what happened?”
2. Ask the person follow-up questions to better assess the merit and severity of the complaint.
Your response to your direct report’s complaint will be only as good as your grasp of what happened and how serious it is. So before making a decision about what to do (or not do), ask follow-up questions, like:
- “Could you share an example or two of the person’s behavior?” This question can help surface actual behaviors (e.g., “She skipped the last three project meetings without giving us advance notice”) versus relying on subjective interpretations (e.g., “She’s flaky”).
- “Could you tell me more about what led up to it?” Context matters. You might not know enough of the whole story — just the part that frustrated your direct report.
- “Has this happened before, and if so, what were the circumstances?” A behavioral pattern usually indicates a more serious issue that has been building over time versus a one-time event triggered by something like the teammate having a bad day.
- “Have you spoken with your teammate about what happened?” This is often key! Did your direct report talk to his or her teammate before coming to you, and if so, how did it go? If not, what held him or her back — for example, is your direct report unsure how to give feedback to peers and/or incorrectly assuming conflict resolution is always a manager’s job?
- “How is this affecting your work and job satisfaction?” There’s a big difference between, say, your direct report finding someone’s habit of leaving dirty dishes around annoying and your direct report finding someone’s resistance to others’ viewpoints demoralizing. Also, be on the lookout for hesitation, discomfort, or vague avoidance. Occasionally people complain about performance issues when there’s something more serious and more difficult to talk about going on, like bullying.
- “What do you think are good next steps?” This question begins to move the conversation toward potential solutions and can help illuminate your direct report’s expectations around what should happen and who should be involved.
3. If you determine the person who complained has a role to play in improving the situation, initiate a coaching conversation.
There are some situations where it makes sense to encourage the person to take action on their own, like when the teammate’s behavior isn’t having a significant effect on performance or when the direct report who complained is at least partially responsible.
However, not everyone has learned how to effectively deliver feedback to a peer or will be self-aware enough to see how they’re part of the problem. That’s where you come in! Perhaps it’s time to start a coaching conversation with questions like:
- “What do you think you could do to improve this situation?”
- “How do you think your teammate would react to receiving feedback from you directly about this?”
- “Would you like to talk through some potential ways to phrase a feedback conversation?”
You can also offer this type of coaching in conjunction with any separate steps you might take with the teammate. For example, let’s say the teammate regularly interrupts the person, making him or her feel disrespected:
“You and I can discuss potential ways you could give her feedback, so you’re prepared the next time she does it. Meanwhile, I’ll work on it with her, too — without mentioning you. What do you think?”
4. If you determine your actions (or inaction!) may have contributed to the situation, acknowledge that and describe any adjustments you plan to make.
Many managers are eager to place the blame for team conflicts solely on their direct reports. But you’re the leader — you have a huge impact on team dynamics, so it’s worth considering what role your behavior may be playing here. For example, you may have fueled resentment between your direct reports by:
- Being unfair or inconsistent. This is often easier to fall into than managers realize. Maybe you’ve let a poor or less motivated performer get away with slacking off, overlooked a discrepancy in how you recognize your direct reports, or distributed work without enough thought or explanation. Even just the perception of unfairness, which can stem from a lack of communication, can be enough to cause frustration and finger-pointing.
- Failing to provide clear or adequate guidance. Sometimes direct reports take things out on each other when their troubles are actually rooted in a lack of clarity around what they should be trying to achieve, how their performance will be judged, and/or who owns what.
- Modeling poor behavior. Let’s say your direct report is upset about a teammate’s tendency to send texts and emails during meetings — something you realize, with an uncomfortable pang of recognition, that you’re guilty of doing yourself. Direct reports often consciously and unconsciously mirror their leaders’ behaviors.
If you identify any such areas, be as proactive as possible in owning your role in the issue. For example, let’s say you didn’t provide adequate direction for a project your direct reports are working on:
“I think part of the issue here stems from a mistake on my part. When I delegated the project, I wasn’t clear enough about the end goal. That could be a big part of why you feel like Antonio is just doing his own thing. How about I schedule a meeting for the three of us to get on the same page?”
For more ideas on how to provide enough guidance as a manager, see Are you undermanaging? Some signs you may be — and ways to improve.
5. Check in with the teammate (while maintaining the first direct report’s confidentiality) and, if appropriate, set and track relevant development goals.
What about the teammate’s side of the story? He or she is likely to have a different — possibly even wildly different — perception of the situation.
While you can’t break your first direct report’s confidence, you can probe more broadly during the teammate’s 1-on-1. Try asking questions about projects the two are working on (e.g., “How are things going with Jemele and your work on Project X?”) or general job satisfaction (“What do you feel is going really well right now, and what’s been a challenge?”).
If it seems like the teammate’s behavior really might be a problem, step into your authority as a manager and start a development conversation. You can do this while still maintaining confidentiality. For example, if the teammate is overbearing in meetings, you might tie the development goal to a team goal or skill that’s universally important:
“I was thinking this is a good time for the team to work on how we communicate with each other, especially given this quarter’s focus on improving our process. Would you be up for focusing on building skills around listening and verbal communication? I know you’ve talked in the past about wanting to improve as a presenter, and this would help with that goal as well.”
Yes, this is a bit indirect. But sometimes managers have to get creative when privacy and fragile team dynamics are part of the mix. And it will allow you to target the problem behavior and create a development plan with the teammate — without revealing your source. See our Skill-building for the future guide for more ideas.
6. If possible, try to observe the behavior yourself.
If you put yourself in a position to observe the dynamic with your own eyes, you’ll be able to address it directly (and take the onus off your direct report who raised the issue). Caution: This tip can be a poor choice in situations where one team member’s behavior is significantly damaging the morale and performance of another. Also, keep in mind that the teammate may not behave the same way twice or may act very differently once you’re watching.
For example, if your direct report complains that a teammate is overbearing when they interact in project meetings, you might ask that teammate to lead your next team meeting. Then, you’ll be in a position to give feedback about his or her facilitation based on your own observations.
Even if the person doesn’t exhibit the behavior in front of you, you can focus on the flip side of the problematic behavior to reinforce how you’d prefer the person to act:
“Nice work making sure everyone got to share their thoughts without being interrupted! That’s so important for creating a space where people can really be creative and feel respected.”
You might even offer a word of caution against what the teammate presumably did poorly when you weren’t around:
“It’s very common for meeting facilitators to do too much talking themselves, which can send a signal that you don’t welcome ideas from others. Good to see you avoid that pitfall. Keep it up.”
7. Periodically follow up individually with the two direct reports involved.
Once the issue is being addressed, you may want to put it behind you. But don’t be so eager that you prematurely assume everything’s fine. Your direct reports may be on better footing with each other. Then again, team dynamics are, well, dynamic. The problem could linger or intensify — for example, if a new event causes hard feelings to resurface.
Check in with each person during regular 1-on-1s for the first few weeks after the complaint — and maybe even for a while after that, on a monthly or quarterly basis, perhaps.
8. Check in with other team members to help guard against broader team dysfunction.
Wise managers recognize that flare-ups among two direct reports rarely happen in a vacuum. It’s entirely possible that the weak relationship between two members is affecting others who work with them or sit near them, or that the same teammate is having a negative effect on people besides the direct report who spoke up.
It’s also possible that you’ve inadvertently been undermanaging across the board (see tip No. 4). If so, you may have created a tense or confusing environment conducive to unhealthy types of conflict (remember: not all conflict is unhealthy — it can help spur critical thinking and innovation in many situations).
Even if you think these scenarios are unlikely, it doesn’t hurt to take precautions (and in fact may help improve team dynamics and morale). For example, you might make a point of asking team members in their 1-on-1s about projects involving the two direct reports in conflict. Or you could institute some opportunities for informal team-building, like monthly team lunches.
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