The "Nice Leaders
vs. Strong Leaders" tool is designed to counterbalance a common
overemphasis in modern management on being "nice" or supportive at
all times. While being a servant leader is valuable, this framework highlights
that effective leadership often requires a blend of both compassionate and
decisive traits depending on the situation.
Comparison Table: Nice
vs. Strong Leaders
|
Nice Leaders |
Strong Leaders |
|
Humble and lead from
behind. |
Visible and lead by example. |
|
Serving, attending, and
coaching. |
Decisive, sturdy, and
daring. |
|
Soft-spoken, thoughtful, and
kind. |
Sharp and making
tough choices. |
|
Protecting and
comforting. |
Challenging and driving. |
|
Vulnerable, showing
weaknesses. |
Strong, leveraging their
strengths. |
|
Patient, forgiving, and
understanding. |
Ambitious and
persistent. |
Key Insights
- The Binary Trap: It is important not to
see these as mutually exclusive. Many believe that "strong"
leaders cannot be "nice," but the most effective leaders often
integrate both paradigms to inspire their teams.
- Context Matters: A "nice"
approach may be best during team-building or times of personal crisis,
while a "strong" approach is often necessary during rapid change
or high-stakes projects.
- Balance is Critical: Over-relying on being
"nice" can lead to a lack of accountability, while being purely
"strong" without empathy can create a toxic environment.
There’s
a trend promoting nice, humble leadership. But what about strong leaders that
lead their organization through difficult times?
Isn’t that also a type
of leaders we need?
Lately, I see many
people plea for nice leaders that are
• Humble and leading
from behind
• Servant and coaching
• Attentive and soft
• Protecting and
comforting
• Vulnerable and showing
their weaknesses
• Patient and forgiving
That may all well be.
And I can certainly see how these are nice, caring people, which are nice to
work with. But is this really the type of leader we need? After all, many of
the
most successful
companies have not become successful by this type of leadership.
I understand this trend
as a response to the know-it-all, micro-managing bossy type of leaders that we
may have seen too often and that we don’t want anymore. And it also fits the
anxiety that many of us may feel today, for which a comforting type of
leadership seems a good fit. We’re looking for warmth, understanding, shelter.
All of that is certainly
important and I would be the last to promote old-fashioned top-down leadership.
But, I think we’re tilting the balance too far to the other side. What about
strong leaders that are
• Visible and leading by
example
• Decisive and daring
• Sharp and making tough
choices
• Challenging and
driving
• Strong and leveraging
their strengths
• Ambitious and
persistent
I’d say we need those
leaders as well, or even more.
What type of leaders do
you think we need, nice leaders, or strong ones?
To balance being a "Nice" and "Strong"
leader, you shouldn't choose one over the other. Instead, think of them as a volume
knob you adjust based on the situation.
Here is a common workplace scenario and how to apply that
balance:
Scenario: A
High-Performing Employee is Consistently Late with Reports
If you are only "Nice", you might ignore
it to avoid conflict, which hurts team productivity. If you are only
"Strong", you might issue a formal warning immediately, which
could damage morale and miss the root cause.
The Balanced
Approach: "The Iron Fist in a Velvet Glove"
|
Phase |
Leadership Action |
Why it works |
|
1. The Opening (Nice) |
Empathy & Curiosity:
"I’ve noticed the last few reports were late. Is everything okay? I
value your work and want to make sure you have what you need." |
You lead with patience and understanding,
showing you care about the person, not just the output. |
|
2. The Core (Strong) |
Clarity & Standards:
"However, when these are late, it stalls the whole project. Moving
forward, I need these by 4 PM on Thursdays—no exceptions." |
You are visible, decisive, and ambitious
for the team's success. You set a non-negotiable standard. |
|
3. The Support (Nice) |
Coaching: "What can we
change in your current workflow to make that deadline easier for you to
hit?" |
You return to serving and coaching, helping
them succeed rather than just punishing failure. |
|
4. The Follow-up (Strong) |
Accountability:
"Let's check in next Friday. If this is still an issue, we'll need to
look at a more formal performance plan." |
You remain persistent and sturdy, ensuring
there are clear consequences if the "nice" support doesn't work. |
Three Tips
for Daily Balance
- Be Soft on the
Person, Hard on the Problem: You can be incredibly kind to a teammate
while being incredibly demanding about the quality of the work.
- Use
"Strong" for Direction, "Nice" for Discovery: Use your strong traits
to set the vision and goals. Use your nice traits to listen and find out
why those goals aren't being met.
- Transparency is
Both:
Being "Strong" enough to tell someone the hard truth is actually
the "Nicer" thing to do for their long-term career growth.
Would you like a script or a
specific strategy for a different scenario, such as delivering bad news to the
whole team?
When a leader has to
deliver bad news to the entire team (such as a project cancellation, budget
cuts, or unpopular changes), the balance between "Nice" and
"Strong" styles becomes critical.
Here is a script
and strategy to help you maintain authority while supporting your
team.
Strategy: Honesty +
Decisiveness
|
Phase |
Style |
Action & Script |
|
1. Directness |
Strong |
Don't sugarcoat it. Start
immediately: "Team, I have some difficult news. Leadership has
decided to sunset Project X effective next month." This
shows decisiveness. |
|
2. Context |
Strong |
Explain the
"Why". "This decision was driven by a shift in the company's
market strategy. We need to redirect resources to Area Y to remain
competitive." You are acting as an ambitious leader. |
|
3. Recognition |
Nice |
Show humanity. "I
know how much hard work you put into this. I am proud of the quality we
produced, and this decision is not a reflection of your
professionalism." Here you are caring and humble. |
|
4. Empathy |
Nice |
Give space for
emotions. "I understand this is frustrating and raises questions. I
am here to listen to your concerns now or in our 1-on-1s." You
are showing patience and vulnerability. |
|
5. Action Plan |
Strong |
Regain control. "Here
is what happens next: we wrap up documentation by Friday, and on Monday,
everyone will receive a new task roadmap. Our goal is a clear
transition." You are leading by example again. |
Golden Rules for This
Scenario:
- Don't hide behind
"Them" (Strong): Avoid saying "They decided."
Instead, use "The company has decided." A strong leader takes
ownership of the message.
- Be "in the boat" with
the team (Nice): Acknowledge
that you also find the news disappointing. Vulnerability in these moments
builds trust and connection.
- No empty promises (Strong): A strong leader doesn't
promise things they can't deliver just to "be nice." Be honest
about what is known and what is still uncertain.
Negativity is killing.
Therefore, we have to kill negativity. I’m sure you experience negativity
around you—or with yourself. Be aware of these seven types and avoid them as
much as you can.
We can’t be positive all the time. And frankly,
the diehard everyday optimist and ever-smiling positivity person can be quite
annoying to deal with every now and then.
But, negativity is ten times worse, especially
when it is not incidental but structural and out of balance. It undermines progress,
deteriorates culture and demotivates taking any initiative.
The good news is that you can do something about
it. Once you recognize the type of negativity at play, you can start avoiding
it, correcting it—or killing it.
The infographic details "7 Types of Negativity
to Kill," is a framework
reshared by Jeroen Kraaijenbrink that highlights specific mindsets and
behaviors that harm mental well-being and productivity.
The image uses a color-coded wheel to break down these
seven destructive habits and explains how each one negatively impacts your
life.
Detailed Breakdown of the 7 Types of Negativity
- Controlling
everything (Orange): Trying to micromanage every outcome. You cannot control everything,
and when you inevitably fail, you will only end up blaming yourself.
- Perfectionism
(Light Orange):
Chasing an impossible standard. Trying to achieve something that is
literally unattainable will only result in you feeling "less
than".
- Judgement
(Yellow): Focus
on flaws. When you are judgemental, you are only focussing on the negative
qualities in yourself and others.
- Self-Doubt
(Light Green):
Internal hesitation. Self-doubt is a weed that will take over your life if
you don't kill it at the root.
- Assuming
the worst (Green): Expecting failure or disaster. If you never think things will be
better, they won't be, which completely removes hope.
- Worry
(Teal):
Overthinking future uncertainties. Worrying changes nothing except your
health and mental state.
- Complaining
(Pink): Verbalizing
constant dissatisfaction. When you focus on the negative things, you are
really setting yourself up for never being content.
Here is how each of these 7 negative habits
directly undermines a leader's effectiveness and damages team dynamics:
1. Controlling Everything
- Impact
on Leadership: Leads
to extreme micromanagement. Leaders become a bottleneck for
decision-making, burning themselves out while stifling the growth of their
subordinates.
- Impact
on Teamwork:
Destroys trust and autonomy. Team members feel disempowered, stop
taking initiative, and become overly dependent on the leader for every
minor step.
2. Perfectionism
- Impact
on Leadership: Causes
paralysis by analysis. Leaders delay projects because they are
never "perfect" enough, focusing heavily on minor details rather
than strategic, big-picture goals.
- Impact
on Teamwork:
Creates a culture of fear. Teams become terrified of making
mistakes, which completely crushes innovation, psychological safety, and
creative risk-taking.
3. Judgement
- Impact on
Leadership: Breeds
bias and hyper-criticism. The leader stops seeing the strengths and
potential of their people, focusing exclusively on their flaws and past
mistakes.
- Impact
on Teamwork:
Promotes a toxic, hyper-competitive atmosphere. Teammates begin pointing
fingers at one another, leading to heavy friction, gossip, and the
breakdown of psychological safety.
4. Self-Doubt
- Impact
on Leadership:
Results in indecisiveness and poor direction. A leader who doubts
themselves cannot project the confidence needed to guide a team through
uncertainty or change.
- Impact
on Teamwork: Erodes
team confidence. When a team senses that their leader lacks
conviction, they lose faith in the mission and the strategic direction of
the organization.
5. Assuming the Worst
- Impact
on Leadership: Drives
risk-averse decision-making. The leader operates entirely out of
fear, assuming new ideas, strategies, or market pivots will automatically
fail.
- Impact
on Teamwork: Kills morale
and enthusiasm. A cynical environment drains the team's energy, making
them feel like their hard work won't matter because failure is inevitable
anyway.
6. Worry
- Impact
on Leadership:
Manifests as reactive management. Instead of leading proactively,
the leader spends all their energy stressing over hypothetical future
disasters and firefighting minor issues.
- Impact
on Teamwork:
Spreads anxiety across the department. Stress is highly contagious;
a constantly worried leader creates a high-pressure environment that
accelerates employee burnout.
7. Complaining
- Impact
on Leadership:
Diminishes authority and accountability. A leader who constantly
vents about upper management, client demands, or system limitations shifts
the blame away from themselves rather than finding solutions.
- Impact
on Teamwork:
Validates a culture of victimhood. Team meetings easily devolve
into unproductive venting sessions, shifting the group's focus away from
problem-solving and toward collective helplessness.
Here are practical, actionable strategies and
real-world examples to help leaders and teams overcome each of the seven
negative habits:
1. Controlling Everything
- The
Strategy: Apply
the "70% Rule" for delegation. If a team member can do a
task at least 70% as well as you can, delegate it entirely. Define the outcome
you want, but give them total ownership over the process of how
they get there.
- Real-World
Example:
Instead of reviewing and editing every single line of a team member's
weekly project report, give them a clear template of the key metrics
required. Let them send it directly to stakeholders, stepping in only if a
major metric drops below a specific threshold.
2. Perfectionism
- The
Strategy: Shift
from a mindset of perfection to "Minimum Viable Progress."
Establish strict, non-negotiable deadlines for a "good enough"
version to force a bias toward action. Celebrate iterations and
adjustments made after launching rather than trying to get it right
the first time.
- Real-World
Example: When launching
a new internal software tool, release the core functional version to the
team on Tuesday rather than delaying the launch by three weeks to polish
minor visual glitches or non-essential features.
3. Judgement
- The
Strategy: Use Constructive
Inquiry instead of immediate criticism. When someone makes a mistake
or proposes a weak idea, pause and ask questions to understand their logic
("Walk me through your thinking here" or "What
data led to this choice?") rather than labeling the idea as bad.
- Real-World
Example: If a
designer presents a marketing layout you dislike, replace the thought "This
looks terrible" with "Help me understand how this layout
highlights our primary call-to-action." This shifts the
conversation from a personal critique to an objective evaluation.
4. Self-Doubt
- The
Strategy: Build
a "Done List" alongside your classic To-Do list. Actively
track concrete data, successful project completions, and positive feedback
to serve as objective evidence of your competence when imposter syndrome
strikes.
- Real-World
Example: Before
entering a high-stakes board meeting where you feel underqualified, spend
five minutes reviewing a written list of three major revenue goals your
department successfully hit over the last two quarters.
5. Assuming the Worst
- The
Strategy:
Practice Balanced Scenario Planning. Whenever your brain jumps to
the absolute worst-case scenario, force yourself to write down the exact
opposite best-case scenario, followed by the most realistic, middle-ground
outcome.
- Real-World
Example: If a
major client requests an unscheduled meeting and you immediately think, "They
are going to fire us," counter it by writing down: "They
might love our work and want to expand the contract." Then settle
on the realistic middle ground: "They likely have standard
questions about our latest deliverables."
6. Worry
- The
Strategy: Draw a
"Circle of Influence" chart. Divide a piece of paper into
two columns: Things I Can Control (actions, communication,
preparations) and Things I Cannot Control (market shifts, client
moods, competitor actions). Allocate 100% of your energy strictly to the
first column.
- Real-World
Example: If you
are stressed about an upcoming corporate restructuring, stop reading
rumors online. Instead, focus entirely on what you can control: keeping
your team focused on their current weekly KPIs and updating your
department's resume portfolio.
7. Complaining
- The
Strategy:
Enforce a team-wide "Flip the Script" rule. You and your
team are allowed to voice a frustration, but it must be immediately
followed by at least one realistic, actionable solution. If there is no
solution offered, the complaint cannot be discussed.
- Real-World
Example:
Instead of letting a meeting stall out with people saying, "The
new database system is incredibly slow and frustrating," pivot
the conversation by saying, "Yes, it's slow. Let's list the top
two specific tasks that take the longest so we can submit a concrete
optimization request to IT."
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